Getting Lost in a Familiar Place

My husband and I moved into our neighborhood 9 years ago this week.  We take our dog on a long walk at least once 

and up to three times a day.  But this morning, as I was walking our dog by myself, I looked up and felt lost.

I mean, I knew I was in my neighborhood and once I looked around a little bit, I realized exactly where I was.  

I had been in my own mind, thinking, while my body went through the motions.  Getting me from point A to point B.   But even though I was in a familiar spot,  I was left thinking, how did I get here?

I think life is like that.

Look at the life you are living right now.  For me personally, I love my life, but this is not where I thought I would be.  

When I was growing up, I never thought I'd be 38 years old, with a great husband, 3 kids, a dog and be a stay at home mom.

The age, yes. Husband and kids, for sure.  Dog, ok.  Staying home?  Nope.  Growing up, I wanted to be a physical therapist or maybe a forensic psychologist.  A stay at home mom, well, it never really crossed my mind.  I graduated from college with a BS in psychology.  Got married.  Moved to a new city, in a new state.  There hubby and I began our life together.  He began working in sales, I began working with children with autism.  We had our first daughter, Sassy.  When she was 3, Action was born.  It was at this time we decided that it would be best for our family if I left my position and began staying home with the kids.  It was a great decision.  I loved spending my days with them.  Walks around the lake, and to the nearby falls, simple trips to the library or taking our dog to the dog park by the river.  We moved to a nearby suburb and Smiley was born.  I continued to stay home.

Now, however, all three kids are in school, all day long.

I am no longer driving to preschool a few mornings a week, planning playdates, playing games, coloring, creating with play-doh, playing barbies or house.

I feel like I've lost a piece of my identity.

I don't hear my name on a minute to minute basis...."Mom", "Hey Mom", "Mom can I?" "Mom will you?", "Mom, can we"

The house is quiet Hubby works from home, unless he's traveling.

Before school started, at least a couple times a week different people would ask:  

"What are you going to do with all of your time?"

"Are you going back to work?"

The answer is, I don't know.  

I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I have a few ideas.  I've requested my college transcripts.  I've looked for and am looking for jobs. 

Maybe I'll go back to school, maybe not....

I know I'm not the only person who has gone through this, who has felt this way.  This morning my feeling of being lost came in the simple form of a walk.  I've had this happen in the car as well.  I can be paying attention, but going through the motions and the next thing you know I'm at my destination or perhaps, I've missed my turn.  This is what I am afraid of.  Have I missed an opportunity I should have taken?  Or, am I where I am suppose to be, doing what I'm suppose to be doing?

For now I guess, I'll just take it one day at time, volunteering at school, getting the kids to and from their after school activities, cheering them on in their sports and in all that they do, taking care of my husband and our home while keeping all of my options open, looking for the right path to follow.  

Something to Think About Sunday

In the past, when I was a more regular blogger, on Sundays I use to post something called "Something to Think About Sunday".  Most often these posts consisted of quotes, phrases or songs that got me thinking (examples: shoveling, cleaning, honk, dog).  Today is no different.

Awhile ago, I read a book titled "Kisses from Katie"

I reviewed it on my Good Reads account and here is what I wrote:

It takes an extremely strong woman (in mind and faith) to leave everything she new ~ the wealthy comforts of home ~ to go to another country to serve those less fortunate (which is an extreme understatement). At the age of 19, Katie has more love and compassion than so many of the people I know. Her love of God and the desire to serve and follow him is simply inspiring. I definitely recommend this book.

I read the book back in February and it's words continue to creep into my mind and heart.   

Let me give you an example: A couple of months ago our family had to make some decisions.  These decisions had to do with my husbands job.  His company was bought out a little over a year ago.  Things were changing ~ he had to reapply and reinterview.  He was offered a continued position with the new company, but wasn't so sure he was interested.  You see the new company is much larger than the old.  He was concerned about the new direction, and becoming just another dispensable number.  He was concerned about the lack of customer service and the way the new company treated their customers.  It was becoming something and someone he wasn't.  It was stressful not wanting to be where he was, but not knowing what was going to come.   Regardless of what he ultimately decided to do, we knew we would be ok.  And while we were stressed out and unsure, I knew that we were still so fortunate compared to so many.... compared to too many.

I kept coming back to this book and this quote/story written and witnessed by a 19 year old girl who has uprooted herself to make a difference and help those who are truly in need:

"During our one night hospital stay, doctors diagnosed sweet baby Patricia with pneumonia and severe malnutrition.  Her HIV test came back negative and I praised Jesus for that.  In the hospital, I fed her high-energy formula and then took her home to continue to care for her until she was well.  For the first twenty-four hours, I could hardly stand to look at her.  The hurt and the hunger in her lifeless little eyes were simply unbearable.  Every time I changed her diaper, it was filled with large worms - big, fat earthworm-sized worms.  To add to her misery, she could hardly sleep at night because of the cough that assailed her weak little body."

You see, this problem and stresses because of it that we were facing felt daunting, confusing and frustrating.  But as I reread this passage and many others, I was reminded to find perspective.  My family has food on the table.  We have clean water.  We are healthy.  We have family and friends we can go to in times of need.  I'm not saying that times will not come that we lose hope, hurt, cry, stress, want to quit or give up, break down or become hungry ~ physically or emotionally.  This is part of being human.  But I just hope that we can find the light where there is darkness and to keep it all in perspective.