Thursday, September 25, 2014

Getting Lost in a Familiar Place

My husband and I moved into our neighborhood 9 years ago this week.  We take our dog on a long walk at least once 
and up to three times a day.  But this morning, as I was walking our dog by myself, I looked up and felt lost.

I mean, I knew I was in my neighborhood and once I looked around a little bit, I realized exactly where I was.  
I had been in my own mind, thinking, while my body went through the motions.  Getting me from point A to point B.   But even though I was in a familiar spot,  I was left thinking, how did I get here?

I think life is like that.

Look at the life you are living right now.  For me personally, I love my life, but this is not where I thought I would be.  
When I was growing up, I never thought I'd be 38 years old, with a great husband, 3 kids, a dog and be a stay at home mom.

The age, yes. Husband and kids, for sure.  Dog, ok.  Staying home?  Nope.  Growing up, I wanted to be a physical therapist or maybe a forensic psychologist.  A stay at home mom, well, it never really crossed my mind.  I graduated from college with a BS in psychology.  Got married.  Moved to a new city, in a new state.  There hubby and I began our life together.  He began working in sales, I began working with children with autism.  We had our first daughter, Sassy.  When she was 3, Action was born.  It was at this time we decided that it would be best for our family if I left my position and began staying home with the kids.  It was a great decision.  I loved spending my days with them.  Walks around the lake, and to the nearby falls, simple trips to the library or taking our dog to the dog park by the river.  We moved to a nearby suburb and Smiley was born.  I continued to stay home.

Now, however, all three kids are in school, all day long.

I am no longer driving to preschool a few mornings a week, planning playdates, playing games, coloring, creating with play-doh, playing barbies or house.

I feel like I've lost a piece of my identity.

I don't hear my name on a minute to minute basis...."Mom", "Hey Mom", "Mom can I?" "Mom will you?", "Mom, can we"

The house is quiet Hubby works from home, unless he's traveling.

Before school started, at least a couple times a week different people would ask:  
"What are you going to do with all of your time?"
"Are you going back to work?"

The answer is, I don't know.  
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

I have a few ideas.  I've requested my college transcripts.  I've looked for and am looking for jobs. 
Maybe I'll go back to school, maybe not....

I know I'm not the only person who has gone through this, who has felt this way.  This morning my feeling of being lost came in the simple form of a walk.  I've had this happen in the car as well.  I can be paying attention, but going through the motions and the next thing you know I'm at my destination or perhaps, I've missed my turn.  This is what I am afraid of.  Have I missed an opportunity I should have taken?  Or, am I where I am suppose to be, doing what I'm suppose to be doing?

For now I guess, I'll just take it one day at time, volunteering at school, getting the kids to and from their after school activities, cheering them on in their sports and in all that they do, taking care of my husband and our home while keeping all of my options open, looking for the right path to follow.  

1 comment:

Jennifer Juniper said...

That's funny you mentioned this because I have definitely go through this too. (we majored in the same thing and had the same future plans and ended up as stay-at-home moms, another life parallel!!)
I tried going back to school a few years back for nursing but it just didn't work out for me. I did start my internet business after that and then my blog but both of those things are feeling unfullfilling lately (spell check is telling my that is not a word). I still toss around a lot of ideas but have yet to act on anything...let me know when you figure it out!